Susan Fitter Sloane

WHITE HOUSE MANNERS: "CBS' Rude Little Liberal?"

2009-05-14T17:04:00.005-04:00

Why does each generation decry the perceived decline of manners in subsequent generations? As I mentioned in an interview on "techiquette" yesterday for the South China Morning Post, I don't believe that manners deteriorate with each generation, but rather that they change or morph with the times. That said, the circus-like fiasco at Robert Gibbs' White House Press Conference yesterday afternoon reminded me that every generation has its' fair share of simply rude people. During serious discussion about President Obama's decision on Gitmo detainee photos, four cell phones rang after repeated requests from Mr. Gibbs' that all phones be put on vibrate. Does this sound more like a middle school class room with a substitute teacher?

John Gizzi of Human Events Magazine lost his cell phone to Mr. Gibbs. Appropriately, Mr. Gizzi apologized for his error. Okay, mistakes happen. After a few more minutes, the seemingly arrogant older "kid," who had been put in the front row so that the teacher could keep an eye on him, not only disrupted the "class" with his ringing cell phone, but answered it! Yes, Bill Plant, CBS Senior White House Correspondent, answered his cell phone, defiantly refusing to give the "teacher," Robert Gibbs, the noisy contraband, and left the briefing talking on his phone. No apology there. In fact, no apology was given afterward in his CBS blog discussing his "side of the story." But, this is not the first time this reporter was labeled by the media as "rude." In 2007, The New York Observer labeled Mr. Plant a "rude little liberal" after he shouted out the uninvited question to President Bush regarding Karl Rove: “If he’s so smart, how come you lost Congress?”

What's a White House Press Secretary to do? Do what most good parents and teachers do: Establish a policy, be clear about what it means in a way that defines the consequences for its' violation, and be consistent about enforcing the policy. It's a simple matter of global manners.

HANDSHAKE DIPLOMACY

2009-04-20T10:01:00.010-04:00

Am I the lone ranger in being concerned that President Obama continues to mix up Business and Social Etiquette both domestically and abroad? Today, during my Morning Joe fix, I noted several references to our President's "handshake diplomacy," referring to if the President should have shaken the hands of Chavez and Ortega after they overtly diss'ed our country. Spokesman Josh Earnest responded to the press that President Obama was just being "mannerly" and I'm sure that this was the intent. However, the types of handshakes and "chivalrous" behavior can be viewed as inappropriate, confusing, and potentially offensive to global hosts.

"We're cool" and awkward handshakes aside, pulling out the chair for Chili's first female President, Michelle Brachelet, during the official dinner at the Summit of the Americas on Saturday night was potentially insulting to President Brachelet. In business, gender is neutral which means that "chivalrous" behavior has no place in professional interactions. In this arena, men and women are treated with the same respect and deference, no more, no less. So far, the French press has negatively referred to President Obama's behavior toward Brachelet as "full mode boy scout." Certainly, some woman responded negatively after Candidate Obama pulled out Hilary Clinton's chair at their debate, but it remains to be seen who else picks up on this most recent series of etiquette breaches.

Bottom line, as I've said before, I wish that our President would appoint a dynamic Chief of Protocol asap! I worry about the subliminal and collateral messages that some of his nonverbal behavior risks conveying and wish to see Barack Obama viewed by other world leaders as a strong, direct, and globally sensitive Commander in Chief.

SUSAN BOYLE: A lesson in suspending judgement

2009-04-15T17:29:00.006-04:00

Has everyone except me seen Susan Boyle's UTube video before today? Wow, her voice is outstanding and the video humbling. Why? The easy answer is because those of us who have watched the tryouts for American Idol are cynically conditioned to doubt what we see, especially if the packaging is unglamorous. But, perhaps the real reason lies at the core of our tendency to judge people.

I preach that "manners" is basically kindness, compassion, and tolerance towards others. We can figure out most of the "rules" if we just think about how the other person is affected by our behavior. My point is that when we prejudge people based on their appearance or speech, our response has to impact the other in an unkind and therefore, unmannerly way. And, ultimately, we are the losers as well. What a shame that we missed out on Susan Boyle's amazing voice until now.

BOW-GATE AND PRESIDENTIAL PROTOCOL

2009-04-11T15:02:00.008-04:00

How does the 44th President of the United States greet international royalty? Both sides of the aisle have criticized President Obama for every nuance of his first official trip abroad, including the way in which he greeted and gifted Prime Minister Gordon Brown, Queen Elizabeth, and Saudi King Abdullah, While any new President will have some protocol missteps, I'm more concerned with what was preventable and how they were handled by the White House.

I've been wondering for awhile just who IS advising the President and his family on protocol and etiquette issues? It would be reassuring to see him make a Chief of Protocol appointment. Nominating a truly qualified person would validate his stated commitment to "manners." I must confess that I suggested this in a congratulatory note to the President shortly after his election, but alas, my recommendation went unheeded. A credentialed Chief of Protocol might have intervened and prevented some of the criticism of the Obama's gift selections. Yes, I agree that they could have chosen more personal and inspired gifts, as I responded to the New York Post's query after their meeting with the Queen. Ditto for the gift to P.M. Gordon Brown.

Also preventable was the press criticism of bows, nods, handshakes, touches, and greetings. Did they violate some aspects of international protocol? "Yes, but": It's only fair to point out that like "etiquette," protocol does and indeed should evolve over time. Even the Queen's official website gives some latitude in official greetings allowing that at times a "handshake" may be appropriate. The fact that Prince Charles was "allowed" to marry a divorced woman is evidence that the protocol of the Royal Monarchy has evolved. Allowing a press friendly Chief of Protocol to explain these nuances (instead of, in some cases, self-described "etiquette experts") would have averted much of the criticism.

It's open season for scrutiny and criticism for every President, but by far, the most worrisome aspect of "bow-gate" is the White House response. I was disconcerted by Press Secretary Robert Gibb's first dishonest and then sarcastic response to a reporter's question about whether or not the President, as a mannerly gesture, bowed to King Abdullah. By first denying that President Obama bowed to the King and then saying, "I can only imagine it is of great cause and concern for many people struggling with the economy," Mr. Gibbs fueled the flames of "non-transparency" accusations in the White House. And, he diss'ed "protocol, etiquette, and manners" by suggesting that such concern was mutually exclusive with economic worry. Rather, uncertain times remind us that such core values as kindness, honesty, and compassion are what we call "manners."

HAVE A HEART; SAVE A HEART

2009-03-04T10:01:00.000-05:00

Is it a coincidence that during our economic crisis, unselfish acts of kindness seem to be more prevalent? Psychological studies have shown us through the years that a common adversary (deep recession) can function to bind us together and foster the empathic behavior that defines “manners”. Last weekend, altruism and compassion ran rampant at the 11th annual Greater Washington Heart Ball.

Our host, Hilary Bruggen Fordwich, Strelmark CEO, assembled a remarkable table of philanthropic community leaders. One such benevolent innovator, American Airlines’ Rick Cutrera, has a long history of leading with his heart, contributing to causes ranging from autism to heart disease. Global leaders such as Hilary and Rick appear to be accelerating their recessionary giving, understanding that to save a heart, you must spread your heart and lead with manners, compassion, and kindness.

KINDNESS AND CHEVYS ARE THE NEW COOL

2009-03-04T07:30:00.000-05:00

What the heck do kindness and manners have to do with Chevrolets, or Impalas to be exact? Ask my friend, Bob Parsons of GoDaddy.com. After expounding on the virtues of his shiny new black on black V8 Chevrolet Impala SS, I finally asked the obvious, “Why Impala?” Without hesitation, he replied, “because it’s the new cool, baby.”

Anyone who knows Bob knows not to question his evaluation of trends. Having just asked me to contribute a weekly "etiquette" audio-blog to his website and vlog, I’m inferring that Bob feels the same way about manners as he does about his fresh new Impala. And, since having “manners” is really about being kind and caring about the comfort of others, I must conclude that both kindness and Impalas are the new cool (baby).

CHARITY AND MANNERS IS LIKE PEAS AND CARROTS

2009-02-19T11:11:00.001-05:00

What does charitable giving have to do with global manners? Bottom line, good manners entail caring about others and striving to make those around you comfortable. This includes not only trying to ensure their comfort in your presence, but also having the compassion to care about the well-being of others in general. Such is the nature of an amazing couple, Dee and William Brehm of Virginia.

During these times of intense economic uncertainty, the Brehms have steadfastly nurtured graduates of Fordson, Bill’s former high school in East Dearborn, Michigan. Their full-tuition scholarship program at the University of Michigan now has 21 Brehm Scholars on Campus. When they started the program six years ago, only six or seven Fordson graduates applied to U of M each year, with two or three accepted. The Brehms are ecstatic that this year 39 students applied and 25 were accepted. While only four or five full scholarships are awarded each year, they work with the University’s financial aid office to ensure that every student who enrolls will obtain the support needed. This includes medical school for those who are accepted. Currently, two medical students have scholarships that continue for additional four years.

Why should we care about this noble effort? Because the Brehm’s philanthropy reminds us that while our collective net worth has suffered terribly, we can never be stripped of our personal morality and education. And, while we’re all worried about defining our selves and our value to employers during this economic downturn, we are prompted to remember that the place to start is within. Do we value making those around us feel comfortable? How can we honor our compassion towards others? Is helping others a vehicle for helping ourselves? How can we personally grow when the economy isn’t? How can we stand out and increase our worth to our employers? Many of us can’t remember the last time we had peas and carrots, but charity and manners are values we can use daily to increase our personal growth and advancement.

ROMEO AND JULIET IN MASHED-UP TIMES

2009-02-18T15:12:00.000-05:00

Am I the only one feeling the stress of our dichotomized times? My daily dose of Morning Joe has me worried about the disappearing middle class. My Friends at Fox catapult me back into pre—Obama fretting about the intense and dysfunctional political partisanship in this country. At a time when our world is increasingly and refreshingly mashed-up, polarized rhetoric runs rampant. Democrats and Republicans, Liberals and Conservatives, Bill Maher and Rush Limbaugh, same sex marriage, and Prop 8 are just a few of the words heard in daily rants.

And, it’s not just our politics. Just this week we learned that London has banned “smooching” in the Tube, their Subway System, yet globally, mashed-up romance and life abounds. Television (Tila Tequila), film (Love Actually), music (Katy Perry's "I kissed a girl"; Taylor Swift's Romeo and Juliet) and theatre are replete with contemporary examples of mashed-up culture. It's fascinating that Shakespeare's 400 year old tragedy of forbidden romance has seen an artistic resurgence lately. Last year I saw two productions of Romeo and Juliet. The first was at the Stratford Shakespeare Festival outside Toronto, Canada. Tony award winner, Des McAnuff, directed a talented cast embodying myriad ethnicities and skin colors worthy of the vibrant rainbow of life. The mash-up was even more innovative in the blending of 21st Century vernacular and costuming with that of the Elizabethan original. One reviewer referred to the production as high art meets pop culture.

Two months later, friends Mike Klein and Joan Fabry invited us to a performance of Romeo and Juliet at the Shakespeare Theatre Company in the Lansburgh Theatre at the Harman Center for the Arts in Washington, D.C. Uber-talented Artistic Director, David Muse, inspired by the Elizabethan tradition of all-male casts, directed this work the way he felt Shakespeare would have, with all roles played by men. Gifted Julliard graduate, James Davis, created a believable, and vibrant Juliet with a pleasing alto voice. While one critic questioned whether the Company’s artistry and expertise was showcased at the expense of “the glory of a great play,” I appreciated the stimulating glimpse into the Elizabethan world of all-male casts and glorious mash-up of our times.

REAL HOUSEWIVES?

2009-02-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

I love Bravo TV. If time allowed, I could happily while away the hours watching marathon episodes of Top Chef. Well, last night, I watched “The Real Housewives of Atlanta” at the behest of my good friend, Barbara Barna (who is a casting agent and much hipper than me.) Okay, I was hooked and watched two episodes in a row from season one.

Having caught a couple of past episodes of “Real Housewives of New York” and “Real Housewives of Orange County,” what first struck me were the regional differences in the characters’ overall appearance and apparent value systems. The New York, Orange County, and Atlanta women are strikingly different from one another. Yes, I'm trying to be non-judgy.

Next, the misnomer in the naming of the show is curious. Webster’s, American Heritage, and Dictionary.com define “housewife” essentially as a married woman whose main occupation is caring for her family, managing household affairs, and doing housework as her main occupation. I'm not sure if any of the characters really meet these criteria.

What do I like about these shows? I appreciate the voyeuristic ability given us all to focus in on other lifestyles and to be provoked into reevaluating what does and does not work for us. This is part of what nudges us into further self-discovery. Certainly, these shows prompt me to consider if some of the value based behaviors of the “housewives” are consistent with Global Manners.

CURRAHEE: THE BIG PICTURE

2009-02-11T13:04:00.001-05:00

My friend, Joey, aka Major Joseph Halloran, an artillery officer, is deployed with his troops somewhere in the cold rugged mountains of Afghanistan. I’ve known Joey and his family since he was a somewhat rebellious middle school kid in Ft. Sill, Oklahoma. We reconnected last year at the funeral of his father, Joseph E. Halloran, III, a retired Army Lt. Colonel, now buried in Arlington National Cemetery. Joe has a loving, supportive wife and two bouncy young children who are anxiously awaiting his return.

I’m thinking a lot about Joey these days as I speak to colleges and universities, law firms, and corporations feeling the pinch of budgetary stress and falling stock prices. Joe doesn’t have much time to focus on our collective economic calamity at home; he’s trying to do his job for our country, keep his troops alive, and stay warm. Joey doesn’t know it, but he has helped me keep perspective and focus on the bigger picture of life.

Joey’s brigade motto is “Currahee,” a term coined by the movie, Band of Brothers. It means, “stand alone.” I asked him last month, via email, if I could collect some Valentine’s Day packages for his troops, but he declined, stating that just knowing that we keep our country’s troops in our thoughts and prayers was enough. So, I made a small donation to the USO and sent an anonymous Valentine’s Day card to a soldier serving abroad. The USO.org site makes it easy. Hopefully, one more soldier will feel less like he or she stands alone.

Manners and charity, the stress antidote

2009-02-09T14:03:00.000-05:00

The stress of enduring these harsh economic times makes me worry about the future of charitable giving. So many of us seem to be turning inward as we strive to rebalance our lives and our checkbooks. Not so for an amazing group of employees from SRA International , a company “dedicated to solving complex problems of global significance for their clients in national security, civil government, and global health.” To say they exemplify Global Manners is an understatement. Last night I attended the SRA Talent Show and was wowed not only by the globally diverse artistry, but also by the community spirit, kindness, and charitable generosity.

In my personal and work life, I enthusiastically expound on how “manners” are mostly about kindness, tolerance, and compassion. We can’t afford to ignore this in our global environment. But, our mannerly resolve may be taxed during these stressful times and the SRA Talent Show reminded me that music, laughter, charity, and friendship replenishes our soul. The mostly employee talent included a richly sensual Kathak Fusion: Nrityaki Dance of India, a sonorous gospel rendition of “Steal Away” sung by the Washington Plaza Baptist Church choir, a handmade hourglass shaped mountain dulcimer played by Ed Gaunt (who knew the traditional pick was a feather?), a classical woodwind performance by the Washington Sinfonietta Chamber Players, an Armed Forces Medley by the West Point Alumni Glee Club, and a raucous rendition of “One Short Day” from Wicked with a deliciously green skinned Tina Acker-Walsh channeling Idina Menzel .

You see, true to their corporate values, these SRA employees conceived of a talent show as a “fun way to celebrate what a special place SRA is” and to live up to their collective commitment to give back to their communities. This first time event raised over $13,400 for the Children’s Inn at NIH, the Fisher House, helping military families, and the National Capital Area Food Bank. Now that’s entertainment and nourishment for the soul.

2008-07-09T16:54:00.000-04:00

They call it the Greatest Outdoor Show on Earth, and I’m inclined to agree. The Calgary Stampede, a 10-day all-things-Western celebration in Alberta’s fifth largest city, makes every fair you’ve ever been to seem, well, tame. Started in 1923 by ranchmen and rodeo riders, the Stampede brings well over a million spectators to Calgary for non-stop music, rodeos, chuckwagon racing, animal and agricultural demonstrations, and a Grandstand Show on a par with the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. Everybody, and I mean everybody, is strutting their Western stuff: If you filled all these 10-gallon hats you’d drain Lake Louise dry.

Sunday morning Stan and I attended the Hay’s Breakfast, an invitation-only event held in Heritage Park for 3,500 friends and associates of the Rob Peters family and the MacLeod, Dixon law firm. Now in its 58th year, the breakfast features a curious competition: Who has the chutzpah to drink the Sillabub? Sillabub is an alcoholic concoction that starts with two large cups of “Bessie’s best,” milked from her in front of the appreciative crowd. Then family and friends assemble on the stage, myself and children included, and pour a variety of high-test ingredients into the vat and give it a stir. Whoever’s brave enough to drink the Sillabub earns a well-deserved certificate attesting to their prowess. And yes, I imbibed, along with an impressive mashup of high-ranking politicians, celebrities, Calgarians, and visitors eager to be initiated.

Over heaping plates of eggs and sausage I chatted with Jack Schneider, a stalwart of the tradition and President of The Duke of Edinburgh’s Award. The award represents an international youth organization, 30,000-strong, with North-American chapters throughout Canada and in five U.S. states. Youth between the ages of 14 and 25 earn the tribute through a combination of community service, new-skill acquisition, and physical achievement. Basically, Schneider’s organization gives young people around the world the skills and values that stand to make a difference in their lives, communities, and country. What a concept! Open to all, the program can be found at www.dukeofed.org.

Youth empowerment seems to be the theme of my week, here in Calgary as guests of my dear friend Shannon and her fiancé, Peter. At a Calgary Flames Stampede party last night, I met Merleen Hodgson, a visionary who, like me, is intent on teaching compassion, promoting social skills, and inculcating community values. A certified facilitator with Young Presidents Organization (YPO), Merleen and I put our heads together to see how we might join forces. YPO is an international organization of CEOs, Presidents, and other People In Charge who happen to have attained their positions of leadership at a young age—somewhere between 25 and 45. We see ourselves ideally positioned to give these super-achievers the values and skills that will make them worthy examples and mentors. More to come later.

Meanwhile, I’ve got to polish my spurs and get on over to the Grandstand for another heart-pounding, seat-rattling, gut-churning chuckwagon race, that is, “the Chucks”. Check out Calgary Stampede to get a glimpse of the action.

Jessica, Shannon, Elizabeth

2008-07-07T17:14:00.001-04:00

I’m frequently asked why I devote as much time as I do to teaching, writing, and speaking about social skills. Why do manners matter so much to me?

A mentor of mine once told me, “We teach what we most need to learn.” There’s truth in that. I think of myself as a direct person, because I value forthrightness and honesty, but I’ve been known to be blunt to the point of injury. I think of myself as assertive, but I’m aware that some would call me “bossy” (Kathleen Deveny describes us assertive girls beautifully; see http://www.newsweek.com/id/142670.) For a fact, I come from a long line of feisty English/Irish women who worked hard in life to become educated and successful, sometimes with little regard for tact and diplomacy. So my mission, in part, is personal: I’m trying to overcome my maternal genetics and transcend my heritage.

But I’ve made manners my professional mission because I see we’re moving, as a global village, toward impatience and intolerance. We’re not taking that essential moment to think before we speak. We’re not considering where the other person might be coming from before we open our mouth to tell her where we’re coming from. We’re reacting before we reflect, often to our detriment. That really worries me, because when we’re routinely incapable of kindness, intolerance takes root—and intolerance is the undoing of civil society.

So my mission is to restore civility by emphasizing ways to be kind. I’m impassioned to help people cultivate the empathy and perspective taking needed to navigate all sorts of tricky social situations, wherever they go and with whomever they meet. I admit that I’m a classic “helper” personality, but bottom line, our civilization needs help—mine, and yours. We’ve got to prioritize communication, compassion, and community if we’re to grow and prosper, both individually and as a species. We’ve got to be good stewards, both of our culture and our planet. We’ve got to be better parents, both of our own children, and the next generation.

The world is becoming ever more complex, with fewer real boundaries and faster communication. As faster technology mashes up our daily interactions, it’s easier than ever to be misunderstood, misinterpreted, and maligned. None of us is sure, anymore, of what’s personally expected. We’d like to be kind, not confused; we’d like to be courteous, not indignant. But we need a voice of reason, a source of social guidance, and even a dose of daily inspiration.

I’m aiming to be that voice. I hope you’ll contribute your own. Civil discourse begins with us, right here, right now.